The holiday season is difficult enough for divorced or separated families, but the pandemic exponentially increases the number of challenges. It’s hard enough to figure out the logistics for children needing to be at different homes on different days — now there are concerns about how to minimize the risk of COVID-19 exposure across households. SmolenPlevy family law attorneys Alan Plevy and Kathryn Dickerson outline the many challenges.
The Everchanging Questions
- Will the other parent take our children to a large gathering even though I don’t feel comfortable with them going?
- Will the area be well ventilated and will masks and social distancing be mandatory? And what happens if other attendees don’t follow these guidelines?
- How many people will be at the gathering, and will guests be able to invite other people? Will they eat outdoors or in an enclosed space? How will the food be served?
- Can COVID tests be a required part of celebrating the holidays with other relatives? How will you balance the needs of family members who have pre-existing conditions?
- What do you do with older children visiting home from college? Similarly, how do you balance the needs of blended families, where one set of kids goes to school while the other set does full-time virtual schooling? How do you navigate these periods of quarantine?
- Can you bring gifts from one home to another? Do you even exchange gifts at all?
- What if one parent became unemployed, can’t pay the utilities, or even got evicted? What should you do if the two of you share the costs of presents and now one of you cannot contribute?
- What if one of you is obligated to pay the costs of travel, like an airplane ticket, to the other parent’s home and can’t?
- And how do you update holiday traditions to keep everyone safe this year, such as gathering around to decorate a Christmas tree together, singing carols, or even doing a charity project together? (And this might not be the best year for a kid to be sitting on Santa’s lap.)
- How will you and your family participate in religious services — virtually, in the home, or outdoors? Does your ex have the technology to live stream services remotely or to visit with the children remotely?
- What if one parent wants to travel to a COVID hotspot or on a plane?
- How do you make up time if one parent comes down with COVID-19?
- Where should the holiday visit occur?
- How will you respond to the reality that some schools are returning to in-person classes after the holidays? And what do parents do when they can’t afford the technology to accommodate children’s educational needs if something happens and they can’t return from that parent’s home?
- When a vaccine becomes available, what do you do if parents disagree about getting themselves or their children vaccinated?
Finding Solutions
Plevy and Dickerson say it all comes down to serious detailed planning, as early as possible. While communication between estranged or divorced parents may be difficult, they need to understand that it’s critical to co-parent. Parents need to do everything they can to avoid intensifying their children’s stress or loyalty conflicts during the holidays.
In the past, serious disagreements about custody, arrival and departure times for handoffs, and other co-parenting issues could lead to resolution by the court. While that’s still possible, Plevy and Dickerson warn it’s unlikely a judge will get involved in any COVID-19-related matters, like the number of attendees or mask concerns, in part, because for many issues, there are only “guidelines” by government agencies, as opposed to laws or Executive Orders. Plus, courts are operating at reduced capacity and many are not having in-person hearings or any non-emergency hearings, which means you can’t “rush into court” to quickly get a judge’s decision.
Steps To Avoid Conflict
- Plan the holidays in advance. Don’t wait until the last minute to decide where the kids will be or how they will get there.
- Work it out in writing, or in emails. Make sure everything is clear and understood by both sides because there’s little a court can do right now to quickly adjudicate disagreements.
- But remember that COVID-19 can topple your plans instantly, so create multiple backup plans as well. We’re in uncharted territory these days, and the more you have figured out ahead of time the better.
- Keep the kids in the loop. It helps to get them excited about their plans and gives them a sense of certainty during an uncertain period. And remember that their safety is paramount, so be cautious of things that would put them at risk.
- Don’t get into a battle over who buys the biggest or most expensive gifts.
About the Authors
Alan Plevy
Alan Plevy is a recognized force in family law, mediation and litigation, with more than 40 years as one of the most experienced divorce lawyers in Virginia. Mr. Plevy is known for being a tenacious litigator and negotiator who is zealously devoted to his clients. A top legal publication, Virginia Lawyer Weekly, noted Mr. Plevy’s impact on the law when it named two cases he litigated among its Top Five Landmark Family Law Cases in Virginia. Those two cases, which date back to the 1980s, are still regularly cited by attorneys and courts.
Kyung (Kathryn) Dickerson
Kyung (Kathryn) Dickerson is a principal at SmolenPlevy in Vienna, Virginia. She is a graduate of the University of Virginia and George Mason University School of Law, where she served on the Board of Editors for the Journal of International Legal Studies. Ms. Dickerson is also presently General Counsel for the Asian Pacific American Bar Association of Virginia and has served as President of the organization and on its Board of Directors. She has also served on the Board of Directors of the Virginia Women Attorneys Association and served as its President. She has served on numerous committees of the Fairfax Bar Association and as President of its Young Lawyers Section and as Co-Chair of the Revenue Development Committee.
