While no child imagines a world where their parents aren’t together, divorce is becoming increasingly common – almost 50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce or separation. Divorce is already a tough and emotionally taxing process so, when it comes to telling your children about an upcoming separation, these 5 tips may make the tough conversation just a little bit easier.
Be prepared to answer tough questions.
No one knows exactly what questions to expect but preparing to be open and honest can go a long way in showing that you understand how your children might be feeling. Listen to their questions, answer them as best you can, and reassure them that they are not to blame and never will be. You may get follow-up questions from them or different reactions to your answers than you expected but be patient through all of it. Let them know that they can come to you with any other thoughts or feelings about it.
Choose your words carefully.
Divorce doesn’t have to be a bad word. It’s a new beginning and an exciting opportunity to start a new chapter in your lives. The end of a marriage can be scary for kids, so remind them that it’s not their fault and that you will both still love them as much as you ever did. Explain the changes that will happen, but don’t go into too much detail about the divorce itself – focus on what life will be like afterwards.
Don’t speak ill of their other parent.
It’s important not to disparage your former partner in front of the kids or within their hearing. Don’t tell your children that their other parent was a bad person or offer details about the divorce that present them in a negative light. Talking negatively can make children feel as though they have to pick sides and ultimately lead to resentment.
Help your kids see it’s not their fault.
It is important to emphasize that your child is not responsible for the divorce. Let them know that you are doing everything possible to make it easy on them. Despite your marriage ending, you and your ex-spouse will still be their parents and will always be there for them. You may want to ask if they have any questions about the divorce or anything else related to it.
Help your kids adjust to a new normal through honest, age-appropriate answers and reassuring support.
The new normal is scary, so help your kids adjust by giving them honest and age-appropriate answers. For example, a 5-year-old probably won’t understand most of what “divorce” means, so simply tell him or her that mommy and daddy will be needing space. A 10-year-old might ask why the two of you aren’t able to work things out; instead of responding with a laundry list of grievances against your soon-to-be ex, explain that married people sometimes realize they don’t make good partners after several years together, but that doesn’t make either one a bad person.
Here are some additional examples of things you can say:
- “This was an adult decision”
- “We both love you very much.”
- “I know this is the hardest thing in the world for a kid to hear, but I’m sorry we couldn’t fix it.”
Divorce is a difficult time for all involved and it’s important to have a trusted and expert attorney to guide you through the process. If you have further questions about divorce or other family law topics, contact Alan Plevy at abplevy@smolenplevy.com or Kyung (Kathryn) Dickerson at kndickerson@smolenplevy.com.
About the Authors
Alan Plevy
Alan Plevy is a recognized force in family law, mediation and litigation, with more than 40 years as one of the most experienced divorce lawyers in Virginia. Mr. Plevy is known for being a tenacious litigator and negotiator who is zealously devoted to his clients. A top legal publication, Virginia Lawyer Weekly, noted Mr. Plevy’s impact on the law when it named two cases he litigated among its Top Five Landmark Family Law Cases in Virginia. Those two cases, which date back to the 1980s, are still regularly cited by attorneys and courts.
Kyung (Kathryn) Dickerson
Kyung (Kathryn) Dickerson is a principal at SmolenPlevy in Vienna, Virginia. She is a graduate of the University of Virginia and George Mason University School of Law, where she served on the Board of Editors for the Journal of International Legal Studies. Ms. Dickerson is also presently General Counsel for the Asian Pacific American Bar Association of Virginia and has served as President of the organization and on its Board of Directors. She has also served on the Board of Directors of the Virginia Women Attorneys Association and served as its President. She has served on numerous committees of the Fairfax Bar Association and as President of its Young Lawyers Section and as Co-Chair of the Revenue Development Committee.
