It’s a perfect storm. You and your soon-to-be-former spouse are legally separated, but for whatever reasons — often financial — you both remain living in the same home. That’s been working, because at least one of you has managed to be gone a lot, thanks to a job or other activity that gets you out of the house for hours at a time. Then COVID-19 hits and both of you really are stuck inside, sheltering in place — together but not “together.” What do you do?
Tips for Cohabitating While Separated During the Pandemic
First, recognize that this is an extraordinary circumstance, and that you’re both going to have to tolerate the inevitable awkwardness this situation creates. It’s not your fault. It’s not your ex’s fault. An external force has confined you in an emotionally (and maybe even physically, if either of you is ill) uncomfortable scenario. Blaming each other will only make matters worse.
Next, make a plan and map out your territory. Virginia family law is very specific about how separating couples need to actually stay separate and lead independent lives, even when they’re under the same roof during the separation period prior to divorce.
If you’re living in a two-story house, for example, one of you can live upstairs and the other downstairs. If you have a front porch and a back deck, decide who gets one or the other. Do you go outside to smoke? Do it solo.
“The overarching rule is, you’re supposed to live as if you are strangers,” explained SmolenPlevy Family Law Attorney Kyung (Kathryn) Dickerson. “It should look like you aren’t living together. In an ideal world, you each have your own shelves, you don’t eat food from the other person’s shelves, you don’t eat together, you don’t watch TV together, you don’t hang out. If one person walks into the room, the other person gets up and walks away.”
“Your plan needs to include how you’ll each handle this stressful situation,” says SmolenPlevy Family Law Attorney Alan Plevy. Because of the health quarantine, you won’t be able to go to the gym or the bar or wherever you usually go to blow off steam. So, don’t take your stress out on one another. If you drink at all, keep it moderate; drinking can affect your judgment and behavior, which could lead to a variety of unhelpful consequences.
If your separation is amicable, these legal requirements can actually be harder than if it’s contested: You can’t just slide into friend mode. You’re not pals. Keep things civil, but keep things separate.
Be the Adult
Schools are closed during the COVID-19 scare, so if you have kids, they’re going to be home with you. That’s a good thing and a bad thing. Your separation is already likely stressful for them, so remember that and go out of your way to stay calm and keep inevitable conflicts from turning into arguments. You’re all in crisis mode. You and your ex need to be the adults in the room — both for your children and for one another’s sanity.
If one of you happens to be in a first-responder or health care job, be sure you and your family members maintain recommended hygiene practices. You don’t want to bring the virus home, nor do you want to take it into your workplace.
“Hourly employees are taking the hit the most, because if they’re off, they don’t have paid leave. If they don’t work, they don’t get paid. And if they don’t get paid, they can’t pay child support. It’s a very tough situation,” noted Dickerson.
“If both parents are on standby or are having their hours reduced, then that will affect the children and the ability to have money to support the children. It’s also going to affect one’s ability to pay child support to the other and that’s going to have a ripple effect on that family,” she said.
How to Handle Spring Break with Your Children
The effects of the virus — and of cancellations and closures — are just starting to be felt. So, what does that mean for separated couples trying to manage spring break?
If the couple is living apart and one parent was scheduled to have the kids during spring break, the stay-at-home strategy being urged by health authorities might put a big wrinkle into any travel plans, as well as visitations. Plus, airlines are cutting flights, cruise ships are on hiatus, and hotels — well, who knows what germs are flowing through their serpentine HVAC systems.
“If children are with the parent who had already agreed to have them, then make it fun,” suggests Dickerson. “Take them camping — in the living room. But avoid the temptation of inviting other children over, because of germs.”
On the other hand, if kids are with the parent who was not scheduled to have them during spring break, health concerns and sheltering in place may dictate a change in plans — no one goes anywhere, especially if getting to the other parent requires travel to another city or state.
Either way, this is no time to argue. Just come to an agreement that you will switch up the visitation schedule as soon as authorities and your own family’s health situation makes that possible.
Tips for navigating contact with grandparents during divorce and the pandemic
When parents go through legal separation prior to their divorce, it’s not unusual for grandparents to step in and help with child care or otherwise be supportive. “But during a virus quarantine, grandparents need to be extra careful,” suggests Plevy.
Older people have been most at risk of life-threatening pneumonia and other side effects from the coronavirus. This is probably not the best time for grandparents to visit or to take on child-care duties. Social distancing is one of the strategies, apart from vigilant hygiene, health authorities have recommended for slowing the spread of COVID-19.
Questions about child custody, and all the other decisions that a divorce requires, can be dealt with after this crisis has passed. There’s a time and place to negotiate and seek court approvals.
For now, try to remain patient and focused on leading separate — but hopefully healthy — lives during this highly challenging period.
When to speak with an attorney
If you have questions about legal separation and how to navigate family-law issues that arise while sharing the same space, please contact Alan Plevy at abplevy@smolenplevy.com or Kyung (Kathryn) Dickerson at kndickerson@smolenplevy.com.
About the Authors
Alan Plevy
Alan Plevy is a recognized force in family law, mediation and litigation, with more than 40 years as one of the most experienced divorce lawyers in Virginia. Mr. Plevy is known for being a tenacious litigator and negotiator who is zealously devoted to his clients. A top legal publication, Virginia Lawyer Weekly, noted Mr. Plevy’s impact on the law when it named two cases he litigated among its Top Five Landmark Family Law Cases in Virginia. Those two cases, which date back to the 1980s, are still regularly cited by attorneys and courts.
Kyung (Kathryn) Dickerson
Kyung (Kathryn) Dickerson is a principal at SmolenPlevy in Vienna, Virginia. She is a graduate of the University of Virginia and George Mason University School of Law, where she served on the Board of Editors for the Journal of International Legal Studies. Ms. Dickerson is also presently General Counsel for the Asian Pacific American Bar Association of Virginia and has served as President of the organization and on its Board of Directors. She has also served on the Board of Directors of the Virginia Women Attorneys Association and served as its President. She has served on numerous committees of the Fairfax Bar Association and as President of its Young Lawyers Section and as Co-Chair of the Revenue Development Committee.
